It’s okay to do nothing sometimes and it’s also okay to do everything. Today I want to do everything but feel like I can’t accomplish anything, and that is okay too. But is it? I forget to give myself grace in moments like this. That extra time I have to myself should be applied to other things like writing, sewing, creating. Where is the inspiration and motivation that I had for so long? I seem to have lost it. I daydream in a past of nostalgia, in New York. I miss being alone with time where we would just make the days last forever. Just me. How did I grow away so far from myself? Distraction and dissociation.
Working on everything, but me. I don’t think, I just do. Well now I am thinking, thinking about how I stretch myself past the point of thinness, I wish I could be in eight places at once. With age, there are non negotiable responsibilities to prioritize. I have accomplished the ability to remain independent, living on my own and paying for myself. This was such a huge fear of mine upon leaving college, I did not want to move back home as I have built and thought so much more for me. To make my mom proud. To make my sister, my family, and loved ones proud. No one needs to worry about me. I have chosen such a ruthless and extreme career path, where it is easy for peers to have doubts. There is nothing more motivating than having a dream where people don’t believe in you. That dream came true with my current position, hard work really does pay off when you become an extreme workaholic with deep passions. My dream is far from over. I am lucky. I am thankful. I am capable. Things to repeat to yourself everyday. I forget it too until I remember how beautiful my life can be. Perspective shifts your mindset, negative or positive.
The weaknesses of my own, I am as aware of them as I am of my strengths. They are both written clearly above. The little things bring me back down to earth when I feel to stray away. Things that nurture and extend time. With an intention, sitting in a cafe alongside a fresh pastry to dip into my creamy latte, comforted by jazz. This is what I missed. More of this. It is important to sit with your feelings and decipher them, or you will never quite understand yourself or grow. Emotions are often unreasonable and almost always self inflicted, remember that. I bring it upon myself to over complicate and overwhelm. Simplify, figure out the why and figure out how to not let it take over. I will never attend mine or anyone's pity party. It is okay to do nothing sometimes and it is okay to do everything at other times, own your actions. Complaining and excuses will get you nowhere, but accountability can.